my muse

everything is swell,

all is going so well,

i can even say i have it all,

but,

one dark thingy lurks,

it threatens to destroy all the good things,

and this one time,

i am not in control,

i can do nothing,

i can say nothing,

they want my life,

they want our life,

they will do anything,

they will say anything,

do  not listen,

don't let them win,

i never listened,

i should have listened to you,

i was selfish,

i thought i knew it all,

i never listened,

now here we are,

i am sorry,

i seek pardon,

forgive us,

is it too late,

is this the end,

am i dead...,

are you dead...,

don't let them win,

don't give in to them,

don't give in to their demands

don't give in to your fears,

your demons,

give in to me,

give in to my wisdom,

give in to my soul,

let me have your soul,

i am your fuel,

i am your heaven,

i am your hell,

i am your peace,

i am your downfall,

i am your everything,

you are my everything,

the seed,

your seed,

my seed,

our seed,

it grows,

let us sow 

let us reap what we sow,

let us look back,

let us look back and laugh at them,

laugh at us,

let us look back only to learn from it,

you are my muse.

random thoughts of a free thinking monkey

so...my brother said he would tell my mom i no longer believe in god.

honestly - i am a little concerned - why? because i am morbidly afraid of my mom - not that she will turn into a vampire or anything like that - mostly because i honestly know she will be dissapointed - but in my own way - i plan to show that i am still the same person - i am still her wittle girl and to be honest - i not only feel better about finally accepting it is okay to be atheist but i am in a much better place - i have never let myself down and i am not about to let mom down - now my brother - i would stab him if it weren't that i love his snitching ass very much - but i am comfortable in my skin - i love who i am - i love what i attact and i love what i radiate - i see it in others that i mingle with.

my best friend knows this - from our conversations - he seems unbothered - indifferent rather -

i am not defined by what others think of me but what i think of me - and i think I AM AN AWESOME HUMAN BEING - with all my noodley flaws.

so dear snitching brother - go ahead and tell mom. you have my blessings :)

to steve jobs

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. - Steve Jobs (1955 - 2011)

smile

thing is.... i am all smiley faced - and i'm not sure why - but i know why...doesn't make sense does it now?

probably the drugs i just stuffed down my throat thanks to my doctor.... :)

the philosophy of can't can't can't

frustration

and i just cannot fuckin understand

why and how and mostly why

you have to start a conversation with

..."i can't do this, i can't do that.....

i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't

no this no that no this no that

" it's just fucking depressing.....

where is the confidence?

where is the assertion?

in your words in your mind?

where is the will?

where is it?where is it?where is it?

where did it go?

amongst all the things that bother me

this bothers me the most,

worries me the most,

turns me off!!

assertion

will

will power (cliche)

i expect you to drive yourself

to steer the wheel

drive THIS! in every sense of the word.

angry

with no reason really

a conspiracy

you think everything is

like a drug - the negativity

draining

it is draining me.

killing me.

don't you see it?

don't you get it?

don't you love yourself?

get out of it

or i will smack it out of you!

life's a bitch! DEAL!

4:17AM

my life begins today.

my sins are forgiven today.

my prayers have been heard today.

grateful i am today.

eternal gratitude i give to this day.

my dreams are my dreams again because of this day.

my passions remain my passions because of this day.

love will heal as always.

love will teach as always.

love remains a 4 letter word beyond this day.

my mother will forgive me because of this day.

my father will cry because of this day.

kanana lives again because of this day.

kanana smiles again because of this day.

the aftermath

no=yes no maybe perhaps if.
today my thoughts are fragments of the disdain in my soul.
it will pass.