For the first time!

You know, when you are so good at something, when you know it because the results often speak for themselves, when everyone around you thinks you are good at that thing, when your entire Eco system appreciates you and sings your praises, when your bank account is constantly happy. 

Then one day, just like that....everything just stops moving, just stops working, when everything just stops. And it's dark. Despite them singing your praises, it just stops. 

And I begin to doubt myself, I begin to doubt my capabilities, I begin to think, perhaps I'm a royal screw up, perhaps I'm not as brilliant as I thought I was, perhaps I was never brilliant, perhaps I am. Fraud. 

For the first time in my life, I am doubting myself, I am doubting my capability to deliver, I am doubting if I can actually ever be everything I dreamed of. For the first time in my life, it scares me to fail, I am failing and I can see it, I am not performing at my optimum, I am not churning out what I put in. 

For the first time. 

And for the first time, I do not have a savior to save me. You cannot save me. You will not save me. You have made your choices. 

But, I know I will not drown, I can't. I have a dependent now, I cannot drown. I will not drown. 

I am failing but this is not the end. 

Focus woman! 

The grim reaper

I meant to write about you. But I was too angry, too upset, too consumed in things that mattered more at that time. 

Now that we are here. You keep stealing, stealing those we love from us, undeserving to say the least. Why??? Why can't you just take the thugs, the rapists, the wife beaters? The hit & run drivers? The speeding drivers? The pedophiles? I mean you have a whole list of persons to pick from at any one time. But you pick the good ones. You pick people who have a decent future ahead of them, you pick people who are just living their lives and causing no harm. 

You pick good mothers, good husbands, good sons, good daughters, you pick children for fucks sake!! Why??? 

Why do you keep taking away our sunshines?? Why do you keep doing this? Why can't the universe conspire against you and make you pay?? 

Misery Loves Company

Yes it does. And I do not know if I will survive it this time round. My savior is consumed by it, I have let myself get consumed by it. And I don't care. I don't need help. I don't want help. 

Well, I think it had a lot to do with the expectations that saviors are ninjas who can see through you and know just what to say, no wait, they know what to say and HOW to say it, so you forget your misery even if for just 13 minutes. 

I don't know if I will survive it this time, I don't know if I want to survive it this time, my dependence on saviors is crippling me. 

But I can remember how it felt to hear those few words that made a difference in perspective, I remember how it felt to know that it's not the end of the world when it was darkness outside and I couldn't tell left from right. I remember all that. Now' those are just memories. 

The saviors have new priorities and rightfully so. And just as I do, I have allowed my priorities to take the passenger seat and the back seat. 

If only I could flip a Switch. If only It mattered. 

They say life gets harder, they never really explained the details, but I see it now. 

Crystal clear.  

i can smell gin

Funny thing is, there is this scent of gin all over. I am not sure why or from whence considering i do not consume gin, but there is this gin smell all over.
ANYWAYS, i dislike gin, the smell, the look, everything about it.

Don't you get it? It stinks! It makes you stink! It makes everything about you stink!

KILL THE GIN ALREADY!

the day

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

You can measure a man by the opposition it takes to discourage him

Love is a verb

Read an article yesterday on Huffington post (extract from the blog this photo was 'stolen' from). I wasn't going to write about it until a friend posted it on her fb timeline and it got me thinking as well, and thinking about my own life.

Everything in the article resonated with me in an interesting way, the man explained what he thought love was and what was expected of him in line with showing and feeling love for his wife, and realizing he had it all wrong, he says every time he 'gave' where this means did something for her, helped around the house or just did something she reciprocated and in an intense fashion and he started seeing the trend, he then realizes its really all about that. 

He felt love for her, he felt she loved him and showed him that. 

It is interesting that he see's it that way and coming from a man, they say the different genders 'see things' differently, but in the end it really is about this. 

I am strong believer in 'you get what you give', I am also a strong believer in expectations, they need to be stated and clearly, no hints and metaphors and cryptic jargon. 

I also believe that our past relationships need to 'educate' us on the paths we should take and not take with our future or present relationships. 

Anyway, the world we live in has obviously evolved, there's immense pressure to keep up with it, we must balance our lives and its not easy, having to work twice as hard to pay our bills, we also have to make sure our lives at home are also fulfilling and taken care of, the kids, and our spouses. 

Sometimes we tend to forget our lives at home, we tend to simply focus on work and how we will make more money and how we will move to bigger homes or build bigger homes or get a bigger paycheck and we forget that of your life at home with those you love and love you is riddled with disharmony, no amount of money will fix that disharmony. 

Sometimes we allow the pressure to blind us, we need to find solace at home, we need to look forward to being at home with our loved ones, we need to keep reminding ourselves that, we need to remind them and tell them and show them how much we value and love them even without all the money. 

That to me is more important than anything else, not realizing that is the downfall of any relationship.

I don't know

What do you call a hypocrite who also happens to be a liar? 

Sometimes I wonder why human beings need to be so vile.

Or is it have to be? 

Sometimes I wonder what if It didn't bother me. 

Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to lack empathy. 

Thing is, I cannot be without expectations. 

Thing is I cannot be without empathy. 

Thing is I cannot be without humility. 

Thing is I cannot pretend. 

Thing is I can not, not love me. 

Thing is I don't know what to call a hypocrite who also happens to be a liar. 

I don't know. 

my passenger

This is a letter to my unborn.

maybe one day, one fine day you will get to read this.
A letter to my unborn zara.

You are almost at the end of your trip little one.
I can almost imagine you - all dimply, smiley, at times sulky
and at times stubborn, intelligent and witty, charming and beautiful.
i can feel you play in me tummy right now, kicking and turning and doing cartwheels 
a lovely sensation :)
i hope that is my energy & spirit you exhibit, and with that energy i hope you get your fathers center and focus to go with that.


you need a sense of humor like mommys and daddys - a hearty laugh will be something 
you will need in your lifetime.


i hope you get my curiosity and my urge to venture into "new" territories
but you need your fathers planning skills to keep things in order as you venture


we hope to teach you to question that which you do not understand 
but with that you will need your fathers discernment and with a big heart

i hope you share your fathers artistic mind and eye - with attention to detail

you are my baby, my child, my joy, my legacy, my world
i can only imagine holding you in my arms, playing with you, sitting on your fathers lap
we cannot wait to see you at the end of this trip little one.


most of all your father and i hope to teach you to be inquisitive, kind, hopeful, respectful,
how to love - to love yourself and others, how to handle turmoil because it will be there 
and how to be real and honest with yourself and others.


we await your arrival little passenger :)

envy?

How will this pan out?
Search and wish, so loud
Keep a candle burning
To each his own should learn

Before I turn in envy, I learn through sorrow
I turn in envy and go... to the wall

See how the colors run?
And feel your Sunday rest
Give me a name, bring it in, some change is for the best

I may not win the race
I may not reach the top
Or I may not live your way;
It doesn't mean I'm stuck here
We may not fit the mold
Kind of going off
Well, the medicine inside takes a stronger hold

As we turn in envy, I learn through sorrow
I turn in envy and go... to the wall

Before I burn with envy, I learn through sorrow
I burn with envy and go... to the wall

To the wall




chevelle - envy - 

my muse

everything is swell,

all is going so well,

i can even say i have it all,

but,

one dark thingy lurks,

it threatens to destroy all the good things,

and this one time,

i am not in control,

i can do nothing,

i can say nothing,

they want my life,

they want our life,

they will do anything,

they will say anything,

do  not listen,

don't let them win,

i never listened,

i should have listened to you,

i was selfish,

i thought i knew it all,

i never listened,

now here we are,

i am sorry,

i seek pardon,

forgive us,

is it too late,

is this the end,

am i dead...,

are you dead...,

don't let them win,

don't give in to them,

don't give in to their demands

don't give in to your fears,

your demons,

give in to me,

give in to my wisdom,

give in to my soul,

let me have your soul,

i am your fuel,

i am your heaven,

i am your hell,

i am your peace,

i am your downfall,

i am your everything,

you are my everything,

the seed,

your seed,

my seed,

our seed,

it grows,

let us sow 

let us reap what we sow,

let us look back,

let us look back and laugh at them,

laugh at us,

let us look back only to learn from it,

you are my muse.

random thoughts of a free thinking monkey

so...my brother said he would tell my mom i no longer believe in god.

honestly - i am a little concerned - why? because i am morbidly afraid of my mom - not that she will turn into a vampire or anything like that - mostly because i honestly know she will be dissapointed - but in my own way - i plan to show that i am still the same person - i am still her wittle girl and to be honest - i not only feel better about finally accepting it is okay to be atheist but i am in a much better place - i have never let myself down and i am not about to let mom down - now my brother - i would stab him if it weren't that i love his snitching ass very much - but i am comfortable in my skin - i love who i am - i love what i attact and i love what i radiate - i see it in others that i mingle with.

my best friend knows this - from our conversations - he seems unbothered - indifferent rather -

i am not defined by what others think of me but what i think of me - and i think I AM AN AWESOME HUMAN BEING - with all my noodley flaws.

so dear snitching brother - go ahead and tell mom. you have my blessings :)