For the first time!

You know, when you are so good at something, when you know it because the results often speak for themselves, when everyone around you thinks you are good at that thing, when your entire Eco system appreciates you and sings your praises, when your bank account is constantly happy. 

Then one day, just like that....everything just stops moving, just stops working, when everything just stops. And it's dark. Despite them singing your praises, it just stops. 

And I begin to doubt myself, I begin to doubt my capabilities, I begin to think, perhaps I'm a royal screw up, perhaps I'm not as brilliant as I thought I was, perhaps I was never brilliant, perhaps I am. Fraud. 

For the first time in my life, I am doubting myself, I am doubting my capability to deliver, I am doubting if I can actually ever be everything I dreamed of. For the first time in my life, it scares me to fail, I am failing and I can see it, I am not performing at my optimum, I am not churning out what I put in. 

For the first time. 

And for the first time, I do not have a savior to save me. You cannot save me. You will not save me. You have made your choices. 

But, I know I will not drown, I can't. I have a dependent now, I cannot drown. I will not drown. 

I am failing but this is not the end. 

Focus woman! 

The grim reaper

I meant to write about you. But I was too angry, too upset, too consumed in things that mattered more at that time. 

Now that we are here. You keep stealing, stealing those we love from us, undeserving to say the least. Why??? Why can't you just take the thugs, the rapists, the wife beaters? The hit & run drivers? The speeding drivers? The pedophiles? I mean you have a whole list of persons to pick from at any one time. But you pick the good ones. You pick people who have a decent future ahead of them, you pick people who are just living their lives and causing no harm. 

You pick good mothers, good husbands, good sons, good daughters, you pick children for fucks sake!! Why??? 

Why do you keep taking away our sunshines?? Why do you keep doing this? Why can't the universe conspire against you and make you pay?? 

Misery Loves Company

Yes it does. And I do not know if I will survive it this time round. My savior is consumed by it, I have let myself get consumed by it. And I don't care. I don't need help. I don't want help. 

Well, I think it had a lot to do with the expectations that saviors are ninjas who can see through you and know just what to say, no wait, they know what to say and HOW to say it, so you forget your misery even if for just 13 minutes. 

I don't know if I will survive it this time, I don't know if I want to survive it this time, my dependence on saviors is crippling me. 

But I can remember how it felt to hear those few words that made a difference in perspective, I remember how it felt to know that it's not the end of the world when it was darkness outside and I couldn't tell left from right. I remember all that. Now' those are just memories. 

The saviors have new priorities and rightfully so. And just as I do, I have allowed my priorities to take the passenger seat and the back seat. 

If only I could flip a Switch. If only It mattered. 

They say life gets harder, they never really explained the details, but I see it now. 

Crystal clear.