i can smell gin

Funny thing is, there is this scent of gin all over. I am not sure why or from whence considering i do not consume gin, but there is this gin smell all over.
ANYWAYS, i dislike gin, the smell, the look, everything about it.

Don't you get it? It stinks! It makes you stink! It makes everything about you stink!

KILL THE GIN ALREADY!

the day

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

You can measure a man by the opposition it takes to discourage him

Love is a verb

Read an article yesterday on Huffington post (extract from the blog this photo was 'stolen' from). I wasn't going to write about it until a friend posted it on her fb timeline and it got me thinking as well, and thinking about my own life.

Everything in the article resonated with me in an interesting way, the man explained what he thought love was and what was expected of him in line with showing and feeling love for his wife, and realizing he had it all wrong, he says every time he 'gave' where this means did something for her, helped around the house or just did something she reciprocated and in an intense fashion and he started seeing the trend, he then realizes its really all about that. 

He felt love for her, he felt she loved him and showed him that. 

It is interesting that he see's it that way and coming from a man, they say the different genders 'see things' differently, but in the end it really is about this. 

I am strong believer in 'you get what you give', I am also a strong believer in expectations, they need to be stated and clearly, no hints and metaphors and cryptic jargon. 

I also believe that our past relationships need to 'educate' us on the paths we should take and not take with our future or present relationships. 

Anyway, the world we live in has obviously evolved, there's immense pressure to keep up with it, we must balance our lives and its not easy, having to work twice as hard to pay our bills, we also have to make sure our lives at home are also fulfilling and taken care of, the kids, and our spouses. 

Sometimes we tend to forget our lives at home, we tend to simply focus on work and how we will make more money and how we will move to bigger homes or build bigger homes or get a bigger paycheck and we forget that of your life at home with those you love and love you is riddled with disharmony, no amount of money will fix that disharmony. 

Sometimes we allow the pressure to blind us, we need to find solace at home, we need to look forward to being at home with our loved ones, we need to keep reminding ourselves that, we need to remind them and tell them and show them how much we value and love them even without all the money. 

That to me is more important than anything else, not realizing that is the downfall of any relationship.

I don't know

What do you call a hypocrite who also happens to be a liar? 

Sometimes I wonder why human beings need to be so vile.

Or is it have to be? 

Sometimes I wonder what if It didn't bother me. 

Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to lack empathy. 

Thing is, I cannot be without expectations. 

Thing is I cannot be without empathy. 

Thing is I cannot be without humility. 

Thing is I cannot pretend. 

Thing is I can not, not love me. 

Thing is I don't know what to call a hypocrite who also happens to be a liar. 

I don't know. 

my passenger

This is a letter to my unborn.

maybe one day, one fine day you will get to read this.
A letter to my unborn zara.

You are almost at the end of your trip little one.
I can almost imagine you - all dimply, smiley, at times sulky
and at times stubborn, intelligent and witty, charming and beautiful.
i can feel you play in me tummy right now, kicking and turning and doing cartwheels 
a lovely sensation :)
i hope that is my energy & spirit you exhibit, and with that energy i hope you get your fathers center and focus to go with that.


you need a sense of humor like mommys and daddys - a hearty laugh will be something 
you will need in your lifetime.


i hope you get my curiosity and my urge to venture into "new" territories
but you need your fathers planning skills to keep things in order as you venture


we hope to teach you to question that which you do not understand 
but with that you will need your fathers discernment and with a big heart

i hope you share your fathers artistic mind and eye - with attention to detail

you are my baby, my child, my joy, my legacy, my world
i can only imagine holding you in my arms, playing with you, sitting on your fathers lap
we cannot wait to see you at the end of this trip little one.


most of all your father and i hope to teach you to be inquisitive, kind, hopeful, respectful,
how to love - to love yourself and others, how to handle turmoil because it will be there 
and how to be real and honest with yourself and others.


we await your arrival little passenger :)

envy?

How will this pan out?
Search and wish, so loud
Keep a candle burning
To each his own should learn

Before I turn in envy, I learn through sorrow
I turn in envy and go... to the wall

See how the colors run?
And feel your Sunday rest
Give me a name, bring it in, some change is for the best

I may not win the race
I may not reach the top
Or I may not live your way;
It doesn't mean I'm stuck here
We may not fit the mold
Kind of going off
Well, the medicine inside takes a stronger hold

As we turn in envy, I learn through sorrow
I turn in envy and go... to the wall

Before I burn with envy, I learn through sorrow
I burn with envy and go... to the wall

To the wall




chevelle - envy - 

my muse

everything is swell,

all is going so well,

i can even say i have it all,

but,

one dark thingy lurks,

it threatens to destroy all the good things,

and this one time,

i am not in control,

i can do nothing,

i can say nothing,

they want my life,

they want our life,

they will do anything,

they will say anything,

do  not listen,

don't let them win,

i never listened,

i should have listened to you,

i was selfish,

i thought i knew it all,

i never listened,

now here we are,

i am sorry,

i seek pardon,

forgive us,

is it too late,

is this the end,

am i dead...,

are you dead...,

don't let them win,

don't give in to them,

don't give in to their demands

don't give in to your fears,

your demons,

give in to me,

give in to my wisdom,

give in to my soul,

let me have your soul,

i am your fuel,

i am your heaven,

i am your hell,

i am your peace,

i am your downfall,

i am your everything,

you are my everything,

the seed,

your seed,

my seed,

our seed,

it grows,

let us sow 

let us reap what we sow,

let us look back,

let us look back and laugh at them,

laugh at us,

let us look back only to learn from it,

you are my muse.

random thoughts of a free thinking monkey

so...my brother said he would tell my mom i no longer believe in god.

honestly - i am a little concerned - why? because i am morbidly afraid of my mom - not that she will turn into a vampire or anything like that - mostly because i honestly know she will be dissapointed - but in my own way - i plan to show that i am still the same person - i am still her wittle girl and to be honest - i not only feel better about finally accepting it is okay to be atheist but i am in a much better place - i have never let myself down and i am not about to let mom down - now my brother - i would stab him if it weren't that i love his snitching ass very much - but i am comfortable in my skin - i love who i am - i love what i attact and i love what i radiate - i see it in others that i mingle with.

my best friend knows this - from our conversations - he seems unbothered - indifferent rather -

i am not defined by what others think of me but what i think of me - and i think I AM AN AWESOME HUMAN BEING - with all my noodley flaws.

so dear snitching brother - go ahead and tell mom. you have my blessings :)

to steve jobs

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. - Steve Jobs (1955 - 2011)

smile

thing is.... i am all smiley faced - and i'm not sure why - but i know why...doesn't make sense does it now?

probably the drugs i just stuffed down my throat thanks to my doctor.... :)

the philosophy of can't can't can't

frustration

and i just cannot fuckin understand

why and how and mostly why

you have to start a conversation with

..."i can't do this, i can't do that.....

i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't

no this no that no this no that

" it's just fucking depressing.....

where is the confidence?

where is the assertion?

in your words in your mind?

where is the will?

where is it?where is it?where is it?

where did it go?

amongst all the things that bother me

this bothers me the most,

worries me the most,

turns me off!!

assertion

will

will power (cliche)

i expect you to drive yourself

to steer the wheel

drive THIS! in every sense of the word.

angry

with no reason really

a conspiracy

you think everything is

like a drug - the negativity

draining

it is draining me.

killing me.

don't you see it?

don't you get it?

don't you love yourself?

get out of it

or i will smack it out of you!

life's a bitch! DEAL!

4:17AM

my life begins today.

my sins are forgiven today.

my prayers have been heard today.

grateful i am today.

eternal gratitude i give to this day.

my dreams are my dreams again because of this day.

my passions remain my passions because of this day.

love will heal as always.

love will teach as always.

love remains a 4 letter word beyond this day.

my mother will forgive me because of this day.

my father will cry because of this day.

kanana lives again because of this day.

kanana smiles again because of this day.

the aftermath

no=yes no maybe perhaps if.
today my thoughts are fragments of the disdain in my soul.
it will pass.

wise saying?

ever had someone shit down your throat? right or wrong as they were.......they shit down your throat and did a chest thump. whoa!

am i crushing? is this my downfall? it is indeed as i predicted.

niap

there are days when i wonder what is happening around me.... there are days i am part of what is happening around me.... there are days that are just days- insignificant yet significant -
there are days when i am soo blue that i almost cannot breathe - they say blue is a color.
not used to feelings of loss -not used to loosing things loosing people loosing my mind loosing -
not used to loss... are you? and if you are how does it feel?
when we both experience loss at the same instance - what happens?
who is supposed to save the other from themselves? who is supposed to hold you up when you are weak? crutches? who is supposed to comfort you who is supposed to lie to you and tell you it will be okay who is supposed to not lie to you and tell you it will not be okay?
michael-angelo was on my mind all day - and all night - i was overwhelmed by deep deep thoughts of michael-angelo - they almost consumed me -
my words my words my thoughts - it was soo cold
you didnt hear it you didnt see it you didnt care

mike

a brother, my brother, kimba's brother,
a son, mom & dad's son
a cousin, a cousin to many many many
a nephew, a nephew to maaannyyy more
a friend, a friend to many more

im angry, confused, upset, sad, vengeful
im many things right now

can't stop wondering what his last moments were like
a second before the car hit him
or a minute before the car hit him
can't stop wondering.
can't stop wondering why the car,
why the driver had to speed wrecklessly,
can't stop wondering why the car had to veer off the road & go up to the pedestrians side
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering what the driver of the vehcile felt like at that moment
can't stop wondering why the driver never bothered to come back and check up on mike after it all happened
can't stop wondering what it will feel like when i finally meet the driver because i intend to
can't stop wondering why the police let him go
can't stop wondering if mike was in pain during his last moments
can't stop wondering if he was thinking about us during his last moments
can't stop wondering how mom & dad feel for the loss of their last kid
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering

when i was a kiddy

when i was a kiddy i used to 'steal' bobs - yeah 1/- and hide them under some couch & buy patcos with them on games day - one day me mommy found them... i think they were like a thao of them.... wuuwi......
kichapoville!

oh oh ... i also used to not like weetabix... it used to smell like puke... i think that mboch used to puke in it then make us munch it... but my bro's used to munch it.... they thought it was yummy... mine always tasted like puke... i swear

and then.... i used to hide food behind the seat... so every day after the house was cleaned i used to go to kichapoville coz mbochy would find the smelly mouldy foody - god i hated food.
especially bananas.

of puky sessions

now.... there are several things that make people get nausea & there after end up puking their insides out.... i could mention a few:
1. ingesting copious amounts of alcoholic beverages
2. ingesting copious amounts of shooters - yeahhhh - yum - tequila - yum yum
3. watching gay sex (or not - it really depends on you & your levels of homophobia)
4. bad breathed individuals - halitosis
5. pupu
6. some mnyamboz that yenyewe leave you wondering wot that person has been consuming - smells worse than a corpse - urgghhh
7. city mortuary
8. body builders - yeah those big ugly looking things with challenged penile environs - all muscle - everything is big stiff hard muscle - muscle i love dont get me wrong - only 2 muscles are necessary in a man - & of proportionate length height & width ofcourse - all that other yuky muscle need not be there...seriously....
9. foreskin - no offence - its just not my thing - it smells funny
10. self righteous peeps - heheh
11. eating food @ hooters... oh yeah - remember the day there was a roach in me fish ... dayuumm!!
12. the goooo you see on miraa chewing dudes - yeah that green gooo on the edges of the mouth... that shit is grosss.... not on all of them but most of them.... i mean... have you ever seen gooo on a goats mouth or even a cow? & they also eat grass continously... even in their sleep!! damnit!!!

well.... for me theres 2 things that make me get nausea to the point of vomit!
1. extacy(NOT THE DRUG!) - not butterflies - just some shit i feel in me tummy....extaticly nauseating - daayuummmm -
2. when something goes horribly wrong - i get this tight feeling in my gut & i can almost throw up - infact i sometime do.

i have nausea right now.
somebody guess which of the 2 is causing it.... give me a theory - hehehehe
let loose!

540 vs kq

yeah... last time 540 was sijui how many hours late!
lets see how it goes kesho.... i hear kq is worse... wacha tutaona.

break stuff

give me something to break