smile

thing is.... i am all smiley faced - and i'm not sure why - but i know why...doesn't make sense does it now?

probably the drugs i just stuffed down my throat thanks to my doctor.... :)

the philosophy of can't can't can't

frustration

and i just cannot fuckin understand

why and how and mostly why

you have to start a conversation with

..."i can't do this, i can't do that.....

i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't

no this no that no this no that

" it's just fucking depressing.....

where is the confidence?

where is the assertion?

in your words in your mind?

where is the will?

where is it?where is it?where is it?

where did it go?

amongst all the things that bother me

this bothers me the most,

worries me the most,

turns me off!!

assertion

will

will power (cliche)

i expect you to drive yourself

to steer the wheel

drive THIS! in every sense of the word.

angry

with no reason really

a conspiracy

you think everything is

like a drug - the negativity

draining

it is draining me.

killing me.

don't you see it?

don't you get it?

don't you love yourself?

get out of it

or i will smack it out of you!

life's a bitch! DEAL!

4:17AM

my life begins today.

my sins are forgiven today.

my prayers have been heard today.

grateful i am today.

eternal gratitude i give to this day.

my dreams are my dreams again because of this day.

my passions remain my passions because of this day.

love will heal as always.

love will teach as always.

love remains a 4 letter word beyond this day.

my mother will forgive me because of this day.

my father will cry because of this day.

kanana lives again because of this day.

kanana smiles again because of this day.

the aftermath

no=yes no maybe perhaps if.
today my thoughts are fragments of the disdain in my soul.
it will pass.

wise saying?

ever had someone shit down your throat? right or wrong as they were.......they shit down your throat and did a chest thump. whoa!

am i crushing? is this my downfall? it is indeed as i predicted.

niap

there are days when i wonder what is happening around me.... there are days i am part of what is happening around me.... there are days that are just days- insignificant yet significant -
there are days when i am soo blue that i almost cannot breathe - they say blue is a color.
not used to feelings of loss -not used to loosing things loosing people loosing my mind loosing -
not used to loss... are you? and if you are how does it feel?
when we both experience loss at the same instance - what happens?
who is supposed to save the other from themselves? who is supposed to hold you up when you are weak? crutches? who is supposed to comfort you who is supposed to lie to you and tell you it will be okay who is supposed to not lie to you and tell you it will not be okay?
michael-angelo was on my mind all day - and all night - i was overwhelmed by deep deep thoughts of michael-angelo - they almost consumed me -
my words my words my thoughts - it was soo cold
you didnt hear it you didnt see it you didnt care

mike

a brother, my brother, kimba's brother,
a son, mom & dad's son
a cousin, a cousin to many many many
a nephew, a nephew to maaannyyy more
a friend, a friend to many more

im angry, confused, upset, sad, vengeful
im many things right now

can't stop wondering what his last moments were like
a second before the car hit him
or a minute before the car hit him
can't stop wondering.
can't stop wondering why the car,
why the driver had to speed wrecklessly,
can't stop wondering why the car had to veer off the road & go up to the pedestrians side
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering what the driver of the vehcile felt like at that moment
can't stop wondering why the driver never bothered to come back and check up on mike after it all happened
can't stop wondering what it will feel like when i finally meet the driver because i intend to
can't stop wondering why the police let him go
can't stop wondering if mike was in pain during his last moments
can't stop wondering if he was thinking about us during his last moments
can't stop wondering how mom & dad feel for the loss of their last kid
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering
can't stop wondering

when i was a kiddy

when i was a kiddy i used to 'steal' bobs - yeah 1/- and hide them under some couch & buy patcos with them on games day - one day me mommy found them... i think they were like a thao of them.... wuuwi......
kichapoville!

oh oh ... i also used to not like weetabix... it used to smell like puke... i think that mboch used to puke in it then make us munch it... but my bro's used to munch it.... they thought it was yummy... mine always tasted like puke... i swear

and then.... i used to hide food behind the seat... so every day after the house was cleaned i used to go to kichapoville coz mbochy would find the smelly mouldy foody - god i hated food.
especially bananas.

of puky sessions

now.... there are several things that make people get nausea & there after end up puking their insides out.... i could mention a few:
1. ingesting copious amounts of alcoholic beverages
2. ingesting copious amounts of shooters - yeahhhh - yum - tequila - yum yum
3. watching gay sex (or not - it really depends on you & your levels of homophobia)
4. bad breathed individuals - halitosis
5. pupu
6. some mnyamboz that yenyewe leave you wondering wot that person has been consuming - smells worse than a corpse - urgghhh
7. city mortuary
8. body builders - yeah those big ugly looking things with challenged penile environs - all muscle - everything is big stiff hard muscle - muscle i love dont get me wrong - only 2 muscles are necessary in a man - & of proportionate length height & width ofcourse - all that other yuky muscle need not be there...seriously....
9. foreskin - no offence - its just not my thing - it smells funny
10. self righteous peeps - heheh
11. eating food @ hooters... oh yeah - remember the day there was a roach in me fish ... dayuumm!!
12. the goooo you see on miraa chewing dudes - yeah that green gooo on the edges of the mouth... that shit is grosss.... not on all of them but most of them.... i mean... have you ever seen gooo on a goats mouth or even a cow? & they also eat grass continously... even in their sleep!! damnit!!!

well.... for me theres 2 things that make me get nausea to the point of vomit!
1. extacy(NOT THE DRUG!) - not butterflies - just some shit i feel in me tummy....extaticly nauseating - daayuummmm -
2. when something goes horribly wrong - i get this tight feeling in my gut & i can almost throw up - infact i sometime do.

i have nausea right now.
somebody guess which of the 2 is causing it.... give me a theory - hehehehe
let loose!

540 vs kq

yeah... last time 540 was sijui how many hours late!
lets see how it goes kesho.... i hear kq is worse... wacha tutaona.

break stuff

give me something to break

seriously... these headaches

valium? anyone? :)

another headache

i have one right now!
damn it!
the drugs don't work >-:

the analogy of a lie

if you believe it ... then its not a lie?

who am i

who was i

pardon me if i can fake it while you still believe

darkeness is not a color

in my darkest times, i still breed expectation, in my hollow days i loose something each time, i have been filled with darkness, my dreams are darkened in broad day light, my soul is darkened, deep darkness, my loins are filled with darkness - , my mind see's nothing - but darkness! why all this darkness? why all this pain? why all this - i question not the path i choose, all i ask is why all the darkness? why the hollowness? i still breed expectation - i still hope - i still believe - i know there is light - i will find the light -
but i thrive in my own darkness
im sorry im lost in my own words - i feel lost -
- im lost
feelings of loss
feelings of darkness
i feel lost
i think i need salvation
not the religious kind

i need me back somehow
im 2 steps from salvation, but im only taking 1 :)

uuu dolphins... i like them :)

anyways.... so now... the other day... im with waoly and she tells me she thinks shes curs-ed coz shes always hoovering around god darn married men-s (yes plural) & my conclusion was ... the same as always..... she will be a 2nd or 3rd wife & she will be easy with that... or not.. but she will end up there.... watching you waoly... hehehe

much talking and not so much doing

yeah....most of us tend to do that....
writting has clearly become a task

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